Sausage roll rhymes

Not enough poetry is written about pastry, so here I’ve combined two of my favourite pastimes.

My hope is to one day be known as the Byron of butchery or the Shelley of sausage rolls.

Sausage Rolls Aren't Fancy

Sausage rolls aren’t fancy
Yet sausage rolls are fine
And lately, I’ve been eating baked snacks
All the bloody time

Since going into lockdown
I have struggled to resist
But in the interest of my waist line
I should start to desist

Yet I fear this plan is flawed
As for restraint I am not famed
Excess is a word much associated
With my name

It’s tough to resist pastry
Even more so seasoned pork
And there’s few times I’m happier
Than when it finds my fork

Bank Holiday

There’s little in life sweeter
Than a Bank Holiday
For it affords the chance to spent time
In my preferred way
I could go see the family
Visit a park or zoo
I could undertake exercise
Attempt DIY too

All of the above options
Have merit plain to see
Yet I have firm opinions on
What makes me feel happy
When it comes to spending leisure time
Ideas I do not lack
But above all it is guaranteed
That I’ll hunt sausage snacks

Lockdown

Lockdown took a mighty toll

It put a strain upon my soul

But thankfully I found a snack

That never seemed to flavour lack

That snack was of the flaky kind

But hardly for palets refined

A delicious pastry wrapped treat

Most often full of suspect meat

So if you find your cupboards bare

And tire of Twitter despair

Then take a walk, run or a stroll

And buy yourself a sausage roll

I’m sure your spirits will be lifted

You won’t feel for a moment grifted

And soon enough you will discover

That you’re a newfound baked snack lover

For the love of swine

I’m rather ritualistic

When it comes to what I eat

And always know what day it is

By eating different meat

My wife finds this quite puzzling

For when she returns home

She eats what is convenient

Most often jam with scone

With Saturday upon us

My excitement is on high

For I’ll wander to the butcher shop

To buy myself pork pie

Even in awful weather

I will queue quite patiently

As I love pork and pastry

Rather unashamedly

Yet married to a veggie

This habit surely can’t last

I expect that soon she’ll tell me

‘That pork pie it was your last’

‘Why can’t you adore broccoli?’

She will likely say to me

Swap baked snacks for vegetables

And live more healthily

If faced with this dilemma

I am sure that I’ll feel pain

For loving pork and pastry

Is rooted within my brain

I know l’ll feel conflicted

Because when it comes to swine

I love that tasty animal

As my wife loves red wine

Easter

I just spent four days getting full

From egg-shaped chocolate treats

Yet despite sometimes feeling sick

I still found time for meats

Thrice this Easter I was stood

In a new bakery

Paying with my Monzo card

For hot tubes of pastry

Each time I had to stop myself

From sharing with the staff

That I’d devised a project

That I hoped might make them laugh

I’m sure they wouldn’t care too much

That I rate sausage rolls

To help me pass the lockdown days

Each time I take a stroll

Great British Cuisine

You could say I’m a connoisseur

Of Great British cuisine

Particularly sausage rolls

The kinds that are not clean

Unlike new-fangled health fads

The snacks I like are cheap

I buy them when they’re filled with pork

Beef, venison or sheep

Yet these days people oft obsess

About food provenance

And attempting to show intellect

They often speak nonsense

Believing that some newfound grain

Will give eternal youth

They fly the stuff in from Brazil

Whilst paying through the roof

I do not question where my meat

Began the long journey

From field to farm then abattoir

And ending up with me

I’m trusting that the butcher shop

Is selling decent grub

Unlike the stuff in supermarkets

I have chose to snub

I know deep down the snacks I love

Are not filled with choice cuts

For sausage meat is mostly ground

From trotters, snouts and guts

Yet I don’t mind for seasoning

And butter hide most sins

Whilst any meat-filled pastry snack

Is bound to make me grin

Few Finer Things

There are few finer things to do

On any given day

Than helping to rate sausage rolls

And passing thoughts my way

The data that’s collected

Will be used to make a map

Of all the finest bakeries

Selling sausage snacks

Long Weekend

A long weekend approaching
Affords opportunity
To gorge myself on tasty treats
Bought from the bakery

I know I should be healthy
And instead start rating fruit
For if I carry on like this
I’ll fail to fit my suit

The trouble that I’ve found
Is that pastry is hard to quit
And also that I gain delight
From ratings I submit

It seems for now I must persist
But do so cautiously
Hoping that my next project
Does not involve pastry

Time

Some might suggest my time was wasted

Viewing every snack I tasted

Yet I’m allowed to disagree

And do what makes me feel happy

Approval is not what I seek

Instead, I hope to find the peak

Of pork and pastry quality

Sharing what I’ve found for free

My aim in life is simple

I enjoy rating snacks

Yet I’m fearful that this habit

May lead to a heart attack

And so I’ve started running

To balance my intake

Of the greasy treats I like

To buy both and to bake

So please do me a favour

And look at my sausage site

Just keep opinions to yourself

If you think that it’s shite

It’s been said that I’m touchy

And that I have been known to sulk

Both of which become more true

As I gain sausage bulk

Bad Week

I’m having the kind of week

That only pork can cure

But with chaos in the country

My supply is less than sure

I worry that the butcher shop

May well run out of swine

And I’ll be forced to eat bangers

That are less than divine

What happens if there’s suddenly

A lack of sausage rolls?

Will the government take steps

To bring in drivers that are Poles?

And what of my Christmas lunch

I wait for all year round?

Will I be forced to eat something

That’s grown right from the ground?

Fresh Perspective

With a love of flaky pastry

Happiness is close at hand

But that is something that some folk

Will never understand

A trip to pick up sausage rolls

Can cure most of life’s ills

Indeed, it’s more effective

Than downing booze or pills

So get down to your local Greggs

Where pastry is abundant

It’ll help to cure your ennui

When you’re feeling quite redundant

Just be sure to let me know

If this new treatment was effective

For in life we could all do

With gaining fresh perspective

Cravings

Pork pies are tasty

And pasties are great

But there’s only one snack

That I want on my plate

Although on my waistline

They take quite the toll

I cannot stop myself

Craving sausage rolls

January Blues

Sometimes all that’s needed

To send the blues away

Is fresh and flaky pastry

That was baked that very day

Yet lately, I’ve been in a mood

That pastry cannot cure

And what to do or where to be

Has left me quite unsure

It’s probably due to Covid

That I’m feeling such ennui

But as the world reopens

I will once again be free

I know my feelings will soon pass

And I will rediscover

That before, now and always

I remain a baked snack lover

Parties

Could you say it was a party

If it lacked a sausage roll?

Perhaps it was a gathering

Without both life and soul

These days I might struggle

To attend a jamboree

If I thought this gathering

Required more pastry

Take this as a lesson

If you plan to host a bash

And be sure to purchase pastry

If you hope to make a splash

For any get-together

To have joviality

First you must deliver

Fresh and plentiful pastry

London

Each time I go to London

I can’t help but get drawn in

By one of many places

That are selling beer and gin

The pubs are often busy

And they’re packed with reprobates

Drinking on the company card

Or catching up with mates

There’ll be some coked up bankers

And some men that work the trade

And both groups will be scheming

About money to be made

They may end up in fisticuffs

Or may just get along

Ending in warm embrace

Or singing terrace songs

Outside the public house

There stands a mountain of a man

There to lay the smackdown

If the drinks get out of hand

The bouncer has the look

Of someone that has killed for kicks

I’m sure it’s just annoyance

At dealing with drunken dicks

When standing at the bar

You may feel irritation mounting

As getting served can often seem

A task beyond surmounting

I know from past experience

That bar work ain’t the best

A choice of job that often puts

Your patience to the test

With drinks freshly acquired

It’s now time to find a perch

Yet, scouting for a chair

May end in a fruitless search

You have to arrive early

If you hope to get a seat

Or else instead get comfortable

With standing on your feet

You’re bound to hear the convos

Of the people that are close

For all too often, drunken speak

Is honest and verbose

But make friends with the strangers

If they’re drinking all alone

They may have valid reason

Why they haven’t left for home

The toilets are disgraceful

But it’s hardly a great shock

For drunken men are careless

When they’re standing hand on cock

The floors of all pub toilets

Will be wet and slick with grime

And lingering too long there

Is a game most asinine

As closing time gets nearer

It is best to call it quits

Or risk spending tomorrow

With your head and guts in bits

Be sure to skirt the Doner meat

And dodge a bag of chips

For momentary pleasure

Leads to lifetime on the hips

It’s best to make the station

With plenty of time to kill

That way you can get cleaned up

If the drink has made you ill

No-one likes a puker

Once they’re sat down on the train

Delays to homeward journeys

Leads to insufferable pain

When getting out of London

Be sure to soak in the calm

Be glad that you’ve escaped there

Without doing yourself harm

Make sure you offer thanks

That you have made it through the night

Just don’t check your bank account

For it’s bound to give a fright

Partner

My partner is most dutiful

She likes brings me snacksKnowing that by doing soAttention, she won’t lackMy partner is most beautifulShe often to bring me treatsBecause I have a penchant forPastry encased meatsMy partner sometimes wishesI would show some more restraintUnfortunately, that’s not somethingI’ve yet to acquaintMy partner should be heartenedFor on me she can dependAnd there’s little in relationshipsThat pastry cannot mend

Restraint

It’s been a while since last we spoke

And plenty has now changed

Where before were sausage rolls

Some veggies are exchanged

Since last we spoke, I’ve come to see

That things got out of hand

And I was eating more pastry

Than I had ever planned

And so, I’ve sought to rein it in

And start to show restraint

For eating only sausage rolls

Had left me feeling faint

Instead of pork, I’ve become friends

With chard and broccoli

Making of my former ways

A total mockery

Yet even now, I feel the urge

To scoff a sausage roll

And you’d struggle to accuse me still

Of owning self-control

I suppose if there’s a lesson here

It’s one of moderation

And from time to time still giving in

To pork flavoured temptation

Pork Scratchings

I’m not a fan of chocolate

For I don’t have a sweet tooth

Instead, I like those crunchy nibbles

Made from snout or hoof

The snacks I like are salty

They are purchased at the pub

And when paired with pints of lager

Are the finest evening grub

Barman

I’m best mates with the barman

For he stocks my favourite snack

I like their porky flavour

For they cause my lips to smack

The treats I like are greasy

They are crispy bits of boar

So brush aside your bar nuts

It is scratchings I adore